Saturday, January 28, 2017

A Painful End to Our Breastfeeding Journey


To my beautiful son,

Today I held you and rocked you long after you fell asleep on my chest. I ached and felt such deep pain for yesterday you nursed for the last time and we didn't even know it. I will miss the connection of your body and mine, I will always wish it was longer.

You grew inside my belly for 40 weeks and 3 days. When you came out we waited to cut the cord so that you could stay connected and get all the best nutrients until it was no longer pumping. Then you weren't attached to me anymore but we established breastfeeding. And your body and mine continued to communicate together to nurture and grow you (and even help heal me). We've fought hard during these 8.5 months. I've limited my diet, down to three foods- then only four and five etc. Switching out those foods for less allergens and different combinations, the guessing game, food journals and seeking advice from other parents all around the world. Desperately trying to figure out what your tiny system can break down and digest. As my hair fell out and skin broke out, I didn't care. I would do whatever I needed to help you and give you what you need. We've had months of desperate trials of this and that. Exclusively pumping and bottle feeding only. Breastfeeding only. Smaller feedings. We've supplemented. Trying donor breastmilk from Kristine-  my thoughtful, caring, loving and dearest lifelong friend who happened to also be on a similar elimination diet for her little girl.  Kristine  worked extra hard for her milk too but didn't hesitate to offer it to us in hopes it would help. We've tried multiple formulas and failed. Searching for answers. Finding hope in supplementing with homemade goats milk formula to give you the best alternative along side my milk. It seemed to go ok for a little while. Or did it? Then as it was apparent you were getting worse again, we tried holding off on my milk and only formula feeding. Then trying again to only feed my milk, our milk that we custom create for your body. But it failed. And at our biggest appointment yesterday we were told what I feared most. This journey has to end and we need to try a different path (and this was a second opinion). You need more weight, more nutrition. Your GI is inflamed and everything we've tried has failed. How can a body that grew you and birthed you into this world, fail at feeding you? How can a mommy that is working on becoming a breastfeeding consultant and so deeply passionate about breastfeeding not be able to breastfeed her own son?

There is so much of our reality and our journey that no one else sees. So much that we hide inside our home and keep to ourselves. In all of that hiding, you are hiding too. You can blossom and come out of your shell if you can just be comfortable and not feel sick anymore. Let's try our very last trick up our sleeve. Quitting our breastfeeding journey and switching to the final formula we can trial. This is it buddy. This has to work. It will work. And as I rock you and you snore peacefully in my arms, I can already feel a difference. You are relaxed. Your belly is calm. You aren't grunting, puffy, moaning and flinching. And as I ache with your head against my chest, as I want to feed you... I cannot. This pain will lift and you will blossom and my soul will shine watching you. But I will always ache for this connection we had and how it was taken away.

I always thought my sacrifice was being the human that fed you and the person that gave up so many foods and made huge lifestyle changes to "sacrifice" for you. But this is truly the sacrifice, giving up. I felt much meaning in feeding you. I've either been pregnant or breastfeeding (or both) for three years and three months. What does life look like without that element? My life surrounded that reality. What I ate, what clothes I wore, if I went somewhere, how long I was gone, pump parts, pumping and going to school, pumping in the car, staying hydrated, making sure to pack in healthy calories with safe foods, being the one awake at all hours holding and feeding you and so on. It has been the hardest and greatest thing I've ever done.

I began to grow your big sister 39 months ago, then breastfed her for 19 months. Her journey was similar but my elimination diet worked with her. It hasn't with you. I'm sorry. I am so deeply, painfully sorry. I breastfed your sister while you grew inside of my belly for six months. I would love how she would lay across my baby belly and feed from me. I felt like such a woman. A beautiful, pregnant, strong woman that was growing a baby (you!) and feeding another. Your sister needed my milk and couldn't handle anything else because of this nasty FPIES allergy we live with. We (your daddy, your doctors and I) just assumed it would be the same for you.

You and I... we made it 8.5 months. I would've fed you as long as you wanted. But want isn't part of the equation anymore. It's what you need. While we thought that was "breast is best" for your need, it is not. For you "fed is best". You'll still need me for other things and I'm clingy to that thought. I will love you endlessly and do whatever I need to fight for you, provide for you, nurture you and love you. This just no longer includes feeding you from my body. I hope. I pray. I plead this works.

 Dear Lord, we've seen you in this journey and now we ask for you to please turn this painful transition into a blossoming change of growth, health and happiness.

Love Always,
Your Mom